The Final Fantasy Christmas Special
by Miroku-san
Summary: A collection of 3 Christmas parodies set in the Final Fantasy world.
1. The Quisty Claus Gift Giving Fiasco

**The Final Fantasy Christmas Special**

by Miroku-san

* * *

_Part I: The Quisty Claus Gift Giving Fiasco_

Quistis walks in a white room wearing a skimpy Santa Claus outfit made of red leather. She sits on a chair in the middle of the room along with her whip.

"Welcome to the Christmas Special! I'm Quisty Claus! Even though it's not Christmas yet; I'm still going to give presents to my best friends!"

Squall, Rinoa, Seifer, Zell, Selphie, and Irvine magically appear in front of Quistis.

"What the hell are Squall and Rinoa doing here!" she thought.

Miroku-san (the author!) suddenly appears behind Quistis.

Whispering to Quistis, he says, "Just follow the script! You can murder them later in this fic."

Out loud, Quistis shouts, "WOO-HOO!"

Everyone then stares at Quistis weirdly.

Quistis shouts, "What!"

Fulfilling his purpose, Miroku-san disappears in a swirl of green leaves.

Surprised, Irvine says, "What is with the leaves?"

Quistis quickly gets her composure back and says, "Today, I'm going to give you all special gifts from the bottom of my heart."

Everyone cheers in excitement.

"But first..."

Quistis has a dramatic pause.

"Somebody's been naughty!"

Quistis cracks her whip on the ground and laughs evilly. Everybody stares at her for a moment and then focuses on their gifts again. First, Selphie walks over to Quistis.

"I haven't been naughty, Quistis," she says.

"Of course, you haven't been naughty," Quistis replies. "We're best friends in some weird fan fiction author's fic."

Suddenly, Miroku-san's disembodied voice is heard.

"Hey! I heard that!"

Everyone looks around in confusion.

"Here is your present!"

Quistis hands Selphie a present with pink wrapping paper and a yellow bow.

Surprised by the present she got, Selphie says, "What is with the cheesy wrapping paper and bow?"

In a rage, Quistis yells, "Just take the damn thing!"

"Sorry!"

Selphie suddenly disappears in a cloud of smoke and Zell walks over to Quistis.

Zell, looking at the ground says, "I might have been naughty..."

"Whatever, here is your present."

Quistis throws a HUGE box at Zell, but it ends up knocking him out.

With a huge bump on his head, Zell cries, "I want my mommy! Wahhhhhh!"

Quistis is now laughing her ass off.

"HAHAHAHA! What a pansy!"

Zell disappears, still crying and Irvine walks over Quistis.

Irvine, smoking a cigarette, says, "I have been SO naughty! I want you to punish me! Pleeeeaaaaasssssse!"

Quistis, not very impressed says, "Well, you are sort of cute...so I'll give you this!"

Irvine quickly opens it and gasps in delight.

"OHMIGOSH! Thank you! A Barbie doll for my collection in my room and for the Barbie fan club! I have to call Seymour!"

Irvine gets out a cell phone with pink flowers all over it and runs off like a rabid fan girl into the distance.

Quistis quickly focuses her eyes on Seifer.

"Now it's time for me to give presents to Seifer!"

Seifer, who is now excited exclaims, "You got me presents!"

"Of course I have, silly!" Quistis replies.

A huge truck comes out of nowhere and piles a million presents on Seifer.

Seifer, now buried in a sea of presents, says, "Thanks Quisty!"

Winking, Quistis says, "All for you babe!"

Seifer and the sea of presents disappear and Rinoa walks up to Quistis.

Quistis suddenly looks pissed off and annoyed.

Rinoa, with her eyes full of hope, says, "Did you get me any presents?"

Quistis replies by saying, "Of course I have! Close your eyes for your 'SPECIAL' present."

Excited, Rinoa says, "OH GOODY!"

Rinoa quickly covers her eyes in anticipation. Quistis, with an evil grin on her face, puts a small detonator in Rinoa's bra.

Rinoa, surprised, says, "What was that?"

Quistis is now laughing nervously and notices that Squall isn't even watching. He is too busy playing marbles with himself. She then takes out a switch with BIG red button from her pocket and pushes it. Rinoa blows up into a pile of blood and guts.

"MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Squall, noticing the pile of blood and guts, says, "What happened to Rinoa?"

Quistis quickly answers, "Umm...Rinoa did a magic trick and...turned...into a pile of blood and guts. Yeah, that's it!"

"Oh, I see. Rinoa sure is clever."

Quistis sighs at Squall's utter stupidity.

"What a moron," she mumbles. "Now, it's time for Squall's present..."

Squall jumps and starts doing cartwheels.

"YAY!

He then walks up to Quistis like a little girl, twiddling his thumbs.

"GIMME! I want my present! NOW NOW NOW!"

Quistis starts getting pissed and says, "Okay...here is your present!"

Quistis takes out her whip and lashes Squall's ass. A loud crack echoes everywhere.

"OUCHY! That hurt! I'm telling my mommy!"

Squall begins rubbing his ass and sucking his thumb.

Quistis, with an evil laugh exclaims, "Your mama's DEAD! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Squall runs away, crying like a baby while Quistis is still laughing evilly. After Quistis is done laughing, she notices that Squall is gone.

"Whoops! I forgot to murder Squall."

She takes out a pitchfork and pursues after Squall.

"COME 'ERE SQUALLY! I got a present for you!"

Squall then screams in terror when he sees Quistis with the pitchfork.

"MOMMY! I'm scared!"

Squall's screams are heard in the background as well as other gruesome sounds and then it is silent. Quistis returns with the pitchfork stained in blood.

"YES! I killed them both! Let's party!"

Miroku-san, along with Seifer, Selphie, Irvine, and Zell suddenly appear and starts partying with Quistis. A disco ball is suddenly there as well.

Miroku-san says, "That sure was fun! Have a Merry Christmas and wait for part 2 of this fic!"

Everyone is now dancing under the disco lights and they're not even noticing Squall and Rinoa's dismembered bodies.

"WOO-HOO!"


	2. WTF? A Lump Of Coal?

_Part II: WTF? A Lump of Coal? _

Rikku, Yuna, and Lulu are in some strange random house with several Christmas decorations including a tree with a ton of presents under it, glimmering lights, stockings over the crackling fireplace, and some cookies and milk on the table. Rikku, who instantly notices the cookies and milk, devours them in a flash.

Rikku, with her face stuffed, says, "Delicious! Santa is WAY too fat eat these anyway."

In disgust, Yuna says, "What a slob...Oh, I forgot to say...What are we doing in this house anyway?"

"I have no idea," replies Lulu. "But look at all these presents under the tree!"

After eating the cookies and gulping down the milk, Rikku says, "It's Christmas Eve! Let's open them."

In agreement, Lulu says, "We should open them; nobody else is here."

Yuna disagrees and says, "We shouldn't. Let's wait until tomorrow. It wouldn't be right..."

Lulu pimp-slaps Yuna and says "Shut up, you! We're opening them!"

Still in disagreement, Yuna says, "Hell no! I forbid you to open those presents!"

"Do you think I'm gonna listen to you! You got another thing comin' missy!"

Lulu then z-snaps her fingers.

"Well, if it weren't for me," says Yuna. "Then Final Fantasy X wouldn't have a sequel and make more money, NOW WOULD IT?"

Rikku shrugs her shoulders and says, "She does have a point, Lulu."

Lulu then bitch-slaps Rikku and says, "Don't take her side! WE'RE OPENING THEM...OR ELSE!"

All of a sudden, Lulu's eyes begin to glow red and everything in the room began to shake violently.

In a panic, Yuna says, "All right, all right! Let's open them!"

Lulu, who is now back to normal, says, "I thought you were going to say that."

Yuna, Rikku, and Lulu rush to the Christmas tree to check the tags on the gifts. Rikku reads a tag that says 'To Rikku, From Tidus'. Rikku shrieks in delight.

"Lookie! I got a present from Tidus!"

Yuna, who is now very pissed says, "Why the hell would he give a present to YOU!"

"I don't know..." Rikku replies. "I'll go ahead and open it."

In deep anticipation, Rikku quickly tears in the wrapping paper into shreds and opens the box. To her dismay, the gift that Tidus gave to her was none other than a lump of coal.

"WHAT THE HELL? Why did he give me a lump of coal? That piece of crap!"

Yuna and Lulu are speechless. Tidus suddenly walks into the house wearing a Santa's elf costume. He is covered in thick snow.

Tidus, who is very confused, wonders to himself, "Why am I in this house? Why am I dressed like this? Is the moon really made of cheese?"

Yuna and Lulu begin rolling on the ground in uncontrollable laughter.

"HAHAHAHA! Tidus is an elf! All he needs now are the pointy ears!"

Rikku, with evil grin on her face and steam bellowing out of her nose, charges towards Tidus and puts the lump of coal up in his face.

"Tidus, YOU WILL DIE. Why did you give me this frickin' lump of coal?"

"Ummm...that's not a lump of coal," replied Tidus. "It's a Dark Matter."

Rikku shouts, "HOLY BANANAS!" in utter disbelief. "I had no idea...thank you Tidus. This will go great in my 'Pretty Rocks That I Don't Bother Needing and I'll Never Use' collection."

Tidus gives a sigh relief. Yuna suddenly notices a gift marked 'To Lulu, From Wakka'.

"Hey look! This one is for Lulu and it's from Wakka!"

Lulu is instantly shocked and snatches the box from Yuna. She quickly opens it.

"Oh. My. God..."

Everyone is now intrigued asks, "What is it?"

Lulu turns around with tears in her eyes.

"It's a vibrator! I always wanted one!"

Lulu begins to cradle the vibrator in her arms back and forth.

"What the hell are you doing, Lulu?" asks Tidus.

Wakka suddenly walks into the house dressed as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, antlers and all. His nose is actually blinking bright red.

He waves at everyone and says, "'Sup ya?"

Everyone is staring at Wakka, actually, his blinking red nose.

"Ummm...you will stop staring?"

"Why are you dressed like that, Wakka?" asks Rikku.

"It's for Christmas; DUH," replied Wakka.

Wakka notices the vibrator that he gave to Lulu in her arms. She is still cradling it.

"I see you got my present, Lulu. Aren't you gonna try it?"

"Tonight!" replied Lulu. "I can't wait!"

Everyone is now staring at Lulu and Wakka in a very strange manner. Tidus is now puking in a corner.

"Ohhh...My virgin ears..." he moans.

Wakka and Lulu both say, "Show's over folks! Nothing to see here!

Everyone is still staring at them.

"Stop that!"

Auron suddenly walks in as Frosty the Snowman. Everybody is laughing insanely at the sight and starts singing "Frosty the Snowman".

"Okay guys, you had your fun," says Auron.

Auron then notices some of the presents opened and shouts, "What are you doing! You are not supposed to open those until tomorrow!"

Everybody goes up to Auron and pimp-slaps him one at a time. Auron's face is now a rosy pink. Lulu then notices a present with green wrapping paper marked 'To Yuna, from Seymour'.

"Hey, this is for you, Yuna. It's from Seymour."

Yuna, with her face full of scorn, takes the present.

"God dammit, I guess I'll open it."

Yuna opens the box and she sees a beautiful diamond ring. Yuna throws the ring into the fireplace. Lulu screams in horror.

"Why did you do that! That was a stunning ring."

"So what's your point?" replied Yuna.

"You could have given that ring to ME!"

Seymour suddenly comes in, sobbing like a little girl.

"How could you Yuna! That ring was for you! I thought you loved me!"

Yuna stood there silent until she finally said, "Ummm...NO. Sorry Seymour, but you annoy the hell outta me and I hate your guts. I mean, LOOK AT YOUR HAIR!"

Seymour strokes his hair with a cheerful disposition.

"How could you say THAT? My hair is beautiful!"

Everyone shook their heads in disapproval.

"What are you talking about? Your hair is EXTREMELY ugly!"

Seymour began bawling and ran out of the house.

"You guys are SO mean! I guess my only friends are Barbie, Ken, and Irvine..."

Back in the house, everyone was laughing until Yuna got a brilliant idea.

"Hey! Let's go throw snowballs at Seymour!"

Everybody cheered in agreement. As everyone began running outside, Seymour was still crying as he was about to leave the driveway of the house. The front yard of the house was completely covered in milky white snow. Without Seymour looking, everybody began to make snowballs. When everyone got their snowballs ready to throw, Yuna began a countdown.

"One...two...three...FIRE!"

One by one, everybody pelted Seymour with icy snowballs. Seymour screamed in pain after each snowball hit him.

"Stop it, you meanies! Wahhhhhhhh!"

After this, Seymour fainted and fell into the snow.

Disappointed, Rikku proposed, "Hey! Let's go tie him up with Christmas lights and hang him upside down on a tree!

Everybody laughed evilly after hearing Rikku's idea. Auron, Tidus, and Wakka picked up Seymour and put him back into the house. Everyone began wrapping his body with sparkling Christmas lights. Everyone then brought Seymour back into the front yard and began tying him to a nearby oak tree by his feet.

"This is going to be SO funny," chucked Auron.

"Sure is!" replied Tidus. "Even more than that one time we dropped him into a pit of crocodiles."

Seymour is now completely covered in the Christmas lights and hanging feet first in the tree. Everyone is laughing uncontrollably until Rikku got ANOTHER idea.

"Let's turn him on!"

Everybody then stared at her in disgust.

"What?" stuttered Rikku. "I meant the lights!"

Everyone gave a sigh of relief. Lulu then found the cord the plugged the lights on. Seymour glimmered in green, white, red, blue, and yellow.

"What a beautiful sight, ya..." said Wakka.

After the spectacle, everyone proceeded back into the house to open the remaining presents. Miroku-san (the author) appears, floating in front of Seymour, who is still unconscious.

"I will kill Seymour!"

Miroku-san disappears for a split second and reappears with a bucket full of kerosene. He drenches Seymour with the kerosene and lights a match. Seymour ignites in a huge ball of flame.

"EEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!"

As Seymour burns in horrible pain, everybody back in the house is drinking eggnog and sitting by the fireplace, sharing the holiday spirit.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME! IT BURNS!"


	3. The New Year's Party

_Part III: The New Year's Eve Party_

Tifa, Aeris, Cloud, Cid, Red XIII, Yuffie, Vincent, and Cait Sith are lounging around in the Seventh Heaven bar. Almost everyone is drunk and saying weird random things. Aeris and Tifa are the only ones who aren't drunk.

"This is boring," says Tifa.

"Yeah," replied Aeris. "What the hell is everybody doing?"

Tifa points at everybody still chugging down sake and cheap beer. She notices Cloud flailing his arms around. His eyes are bloodshot and he is foaming from the mouth.

"And I says to him...You better shut up or I'll Omnislash your ass!"

With a deep sigh, Aeris says, "He's been bragging about how he beat up Sephiroth for two hours..."

Vincent, who is also extremely annoyed says, "Can somebody shut him up?"

Tifa gets an empty bottle and grins at both Aeris and Vincent.

"Watch this; it'll be hilarious."

Tifa slowly creeps behind Cloud and smashes the bottle on Cloud's spiky head. Shards of the bottle fly everywhere and Cloud falls into the floor head first. Everyone laughs at Cloud's unconscious body.

Pointing at Yuffie, Aeris says, "If you thought that was strange, you should see Yuffie."

Yuffie is sitting in the corner with a bottle of sake in her right hand. Her cheeks are bright red. In a loud, scratchy voice, she begins to sing 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'.

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me! A PARTRIGE IN A PEAR TREE!"

With earplugs on, Tifa says, "She intends to sing the whole song?"

Also with earplugs on, Tifa and Vincent wail, "Oh the agony!"

Yuffie continues to sing the song until it is over. Yuffie bows, thinking everybody enjoyed her degrading performance.

"Thank you everybody! I'll be here all week!"

Tifa grabs Yuffie by her hair and throws her out of the bar.

Gliding through the air, Yuffie screams, "You won't be hearing the last of me! I'll be back fools!"

Tifa then throws a bottle at Yuffie's head as she flies out of the bar.

"OW! You BITCH!"

Tifa wipes her hands and gives a sigh of relief until she smells cigarette smoke.

"What the hell! Who is smoking in my bar?"

Aeris and Vincent point at Cid, who is smoking a cigarette by the jukebox. Tifa walks up to Cid and punches his gut.

"Cigarettes are not allowed in this bar! Didn't you read the rules?"

Cid shrugs his shoulders and says, "No, I guess not."

Pissed, Tifa shouts, "If you wanna smoke, get out of my bar!

Crossing his arms, Cid shouts, "No! I'm staying!"

"THAT'S IT, ASSHOLE! You are kicked out of here forever!"

"WHAT! You can't do that!"

"Yes I can! GET OUT!"

Cid begins to cry as he runs out of the bar.

"You are so mean, Tifa! I'm telling Shera!"

Laughing, Tifa exclaims, "Fine! I never liked you anyway! Your Limits sucked!" Tifa returns to the bartender's area and gives a deep sigh.

"Serves him right! I only allow cocaine in this bar."

Aeris squeals in delight.

"COCAINE! Can I have some Tifa?"

Aeris puts out her hand and so does Vincent.

"I want some coke too, Tifa."

Tifa gets out a hammer and smashes both of the hands that they put out. Vincent and Aeris both scream in pain.

"Hell, no! I'm the only one that can sniff coke!"

Tifa then puts Aeris in a bag and sends her to the City Of the Ancients.

"UPS is so helpful these days."

Confused. Vincent asks, "Um...why didn't you send me as well?"

"I guess I didn't want to. I always hated Aeris," replied Tifa.

Sitting in a nearby table, Cait Sith raises his glass.

"More damn it!"

Tifa throws a bottle at Cait Sith in anger.

"Get it yourself, you bum!"

Rubbing his head, Cait Sith says, "Tch, fine. Besides, I never liked this outfit anyway."

Cait Sith unzips his back zipper to reveal that he's Sora from 'Kingdom Hearts'.

Tifa screams in joy at the sight.

"Hey! It's that weird Disney kid! Let's take his clothes and keyblade and auction them on e-Bay!"

Sora screams in terror when he sees Tifa slowly walking towards him, with drool coming out of her open mouth.

"Oh my God! I am SO outta here!"

Sora puts himself in a bag and sends himself to the Destiny Islands. Tifa cries in horror.

"NO! Come back weird Disney kid! I want that keyblade!"

After Sora's cameo, Red XIII, who is sort of drunk says, "I guess this wasn't much of a party."

Vincent nods in agreement.

"You're right, let's go find more booze."

Miroku-san (the author) suddenly appears in front of Vincent and Red XIII in a swirl of pink cherry blossoms.

"What the hell is with the cherry blossoms! I asked for leaves...stupid ninjas!"

Vincent and Red XIII look at each other in confusion.

"What is the author doing here?"

"Whoops!" replied Miroku-san. "I forgot to say...You better party NOW! I'm running out of ideas."

Tifa gives another sigh.

"Yeah, this story is sucks."

With a gasp, Vincent exclaims, "IT DOES NOT!"

Vincent tackles Tifa into the ground.

Tifa, with her voice muffled, says, "Okay! I'm sorry!"

"How thoughtful of you, Vincent," says Miroku-san. "Here is a late present for you!"

"Thanks!"

Vincent opens it and it is a book called '1001 Ways To Skin An Ancient'.

"Wow! Here I come, Aeris!"

Vincent then runs out of the bar to the City Of the Ancients with an evil grin plastered on his face. As soon as he is gone, Tifa begins to pray.

"Vincent, I hope you find and kill Aeris because she took my Cloud away. Skin her good! MWUAHAHAHA!"

Looking around the bar, Red XIII says, "I just noticed...where is Barret?"

"Oh crap! I forgot to put him in the story," replies Miroku-san. "I have bad memory you know."

Tifa raises her glass and proclaims, "A Happy New Year to everyone!"

Along with Tifa, Red XIII says, "And a Merry fricking Christmas too..."

Miroku-san raises his glass in agreement.

"This isn't exactly what I expected for a party..."

THE END...I think.


End file.
